September Calendar

Monday, September 5

Kindle Paperwhite

The idea for September's calendar was thought out at the beginning of August. I created this, planning polka dots, blues and wanting to incorporate orange. After all, it's the beginning of the best season! But, life is ... life. Things will never go as planned and we have to adjust and go with it.

If you follow or peek my Instagram, you know my latest batch of kittens are from a friendly-ish feral. -- she gets in random moods where she's annoyed with your existence and goes in her crate and gives you her back. Never attacks or hisses, just pretends you don't exist. -- She's still here, her babies are finally ready to find their forever home and she her surgery.

It took a couple of weeks to earn her full trust. She trusts me around her but not two-hand touching her. I've fed her on an off for over a year. There's a retired neighbor who loves our neighborhood cats and feeds them cans of wet food (I mix with hard food and add lysine), and that's her preferred spot. He's the 'cool' parent. Basically, we've had time to know each other and as much as she doesn't want two-hand touching/petting (she's okay with one hand petting) she knows I mean no harm to her.

I thought she'd claw my eyes if I ever attempted to touch her babies.

She had five, one died within 24 hours of birth. By the time they were three weeks, they had trained themselves to use the litter and started gnawing at her food. She looked exhausted and it made me refill my birth control asap feel for her. Her babies were itching to come out and play with the other cats but I was apprehensive. I started by having them in my lap in front of her whilst she ate. At first she watched closely. The gray and white were the biggest and wanting out of my lap and into the big world behind me. At this time I was feeding her a lot more and more often than usual because she had very hungry/needy babies. I took this feeding time to examine them; making sure they were gaining weight, teeth coming in, eyes, heartbeat and all that not-so-fun stuff. And followed by high pitched baby voice telling them how adorable they are. Mom seemed to enjoy this time. Where I would take them away from her for 10-15 minutes and she could breathe. In this, I noticed one of the boys was much smaller and I could feel/see his spine and ribs. The others were so much bigger. I weighed him and decided to supplement with bottle if he didn't gain weight in two days. It turns out his siblings running out and playing with the other cats meant he could stay with mom and nurse freely without him being shoved away. Within a week he had gained enough. Soon after, they were all big enough to leave their crate open so they could investigate and destroy (mom too).

There was only one girl. The white one, which I loving nicknamed Minnie... she looks exactly like one of mine (which was found outside and I bottle fed for a couple of weeks), named Dot. I believe they have the same dad, I've seen him once or twice but spitting image and temperament; from both Dot and Minnie. I started calling her Mini Dot. Eventually it became Minnie. She didn't care to be held because there was a world of nice stuff to ruin. She would climb stuff where her brothers and siblings barely mastered walking. She would run and hide when it was time to head back with mom. She was so smart. So much trouble. So beautiful. Yes, was.

white kitty

 The second week of August I noticed she wasn't gaining weight. Possibly losing. She was still a fireball and eating like her life depended on it. Suddenly, the one who couldn't wait to come out and play would just sit it out and watch the others. The runt I worried so much caught up to her and got bigger than her. On the 19th of August I rushed her to the vet. I noticed her gums were gray and her eyes and fur dull looking. She was diagnosed with anemia. I was given Nutri-Cal (extra proteins, calories, vitamins in palatable gel form) and Frontline for her and her siblings. She was still eating and drinking water like nothing was wrong. On the 22nd (August), we were cleaning the room and playing with all of them. Her and I played and I brushed her hair until it was time for bed. The 23rd I fed them in the morning and after quick kisses, I ran my errands. I came back in the afternoon while they were sleeping and changed their water and lowered their fan. I was going out that afternoon but I'm crazy about their schedule and sent this fellow in to fetch something before leaving. He comes out and tells me I should bottle feed her if she doesn't want to eat, he was going to go immediately to get a can of replacement milk. I was mixing their food and went in to feed them. I see her sprawled out and not rushing at me for food, like usual. I grab her and notice she's wet and sort of limp. She peed herself, and I knew that if she couldn't get up to use the litter, there was something seriously wrong... I put her down, crawled out of the room in tears and said, "we have to take her to the emergency vet, she won't make it..." I rushed to get dressed and brought a shirt of mine to carry her in while we rushed to the emergency vet. I was a mess by that point trying to keep her attention on me because she was worst than 20 minutes prior. She would look at me and I just kept praying for her not to die here, not in the car. Not in my hands. Not when we were so close.

We got there and they immediately grabbed her from me and took her out back while I checked in.

When the vet called us into a room, I explained. Summarizing, she said there was not much she can do for her. She was so small that a transfusion would kill her. Any kind of surgery would kill her. I could throw all the money at it and the result would be the same. She's too small. Her body can't handle anything. There's hardly any blood left. She was in an incubator in the meantime but we either euthanized or wait for it to happen on it's own. Basically. She could bring her out for us, if we wanted. We asked for a minute and talked about it. She left. Brought tissues (I guess I was a mess by then), and left.

I decided long ago that I would never "keep fighting" at my pets expense. I've known my decision all along. For all my pets. Future and present. But it still felt like giving up.

At first I said I didn't want to see her. I turned around, faced the wall and said... this is not about me. I don't want strangers to be the last thing she sees. I want to say a proper goodbye.

They brought her out in this mint baby blanket. When I said "Hi, Minnie", it was the most alert I'd seen her the last hour. For ten seconds it gave me false hope.

We spent 10 minutes with her. I remembered my phone and took two pictures of her then. For us.
I was checking her gums, her teeth, her legs... this fellow covered her body back up and said "Don't do that to yourself." I just wanted to see what I missed, what I did wrong! -- The vet came in for her and said that her anemia could be in her marrow, leukemia or some other disease because her parents are feral there are so many combinations.

We went to the waiting room where they brought me the paperwork to sign. 'Permission to Euthanize' was the last one. I think I said something like, I'm literally signing that I give up on her. But deep down I knew I would've done anything and everything if there was 1% chance. There just wasn't. We asked for the body back and 10 minutes later I had a nice little package in my hands.

I don't know how I got in the car. How I even made it to the car but I remember looking back at the hospital, and I see this grandma staring at me. Scared. Yet feeling my pain. Fellow animal lovers understand.
 I wish I could go back and tell her I'm okay! But I can't go back. And that's what kills. 

That same night, the 23rd, she was buried on the outside of the room where she was born and where her brothers and mom currently live. We planted 'mini roses' on top of her and it's the first thing we see when we come in. It's the most beautiful and painful sight.

I took a week or so away. In my own world. Reading. Hugging my pets until they were annoyed. Paranoid and checking them all, making sure they were breathing ok. Trying not to overthink but failing miserably. What if this? What if that?

 Every time I hug her brothers I shed a tear. This is where she should be, this is how big she'd be. 

But they're all okay and healthy! They will have to be tested, eventually. I never struggle to let any batch go because I know they're on to bigger and better things. This one, however, will hurt just a tad.

and yes. Dot will get tested soon. 

The emergency hospital sent this a week after. ♥︎


If you've read everything above, thank you!

So, now to this months calendar. This is my art. My hobby. I incorporate real life wherever I can. Of course I was going to here.

The pictures were taken in two different days and this boy did the exact same thing on both. He knew he matched.

I went to Michael's and with her pictures, I grabbed scrapbook paper in shades of blue that matched Minnie's eyes from begging to end. A gray to represent her anemia. A bright mint to represent her hospital blanket. You can see it in on the iPad. Orange because ... life is silly that way. Remember me mentioning picking those colors? Well, the second week of August I ordered a Kindle Paperwhite that was on sale. I ordered the white but was out of stock until September 1st. Guess what was at my door at 9am August 24th? My Kindle with the persimmon case I ordered. I didn't open it or set it up until the next day, but left in in the coffee table and when my thoughts would drift, I would stare at this bright case. All I remember from that day is a bright orange swirl of thoughts. So, orange. Because it represents my grief, somehow. Dots ... because Dot. Mini-Dot. The flowers are the 'mini roses' from her tree.

kindle paperwhite

Jerry Springer Final Thought:

 Hug/spoil/ spay/neuter your pets and if you're ever thinking of getting a pet think adoption, first. They love the same as shop pets and they'll fill your heart in the most wonderful ways.♥︎
Take care of yourself, and each other.

iPhone is now sized bigger to fit all sizes. Pinch and zoom.
Dropbox folder has been updated.